Requiem

Well....I've taken a small pick into hell lately.
Not as bad, and definitely not as hot as most of you would've imagined...
It was a small hell. Privet. Relative. But then again - which one isn't? Sometimes small breaks like that, makes you really wonder about the foolish simplicity of your own imitations of life. We all live our lives as if it's real, like my guru Leonard Cohen would say,
not even knowing how true each single letter in this phrase is.
Or does he? In this case he is in fact God himself.
I sure can't say that I felt the angel of death breathing down my neck, but if he (or she) has some kind of an intern, I'm sure he passed me by a couple of times in the past week...
I can still smell him on my skin, in my breath.
I will always remember his touch.
I may have even seen him, but unfortunately I was passed out most of the time, seeing wonders in my oxygen mask...

It's unbelievable how you learn to re-appreciate the most simple, basic things....
Like air, and plain water, the ability to walk, or even get up.
Even the moment you realize you're feeling pain is semi-orgasmic, because in a way that's a proof you're still alive. All the cliches.
It's also unbelievable how fast those moments of rebirth are forgotten.

I thought about the need in people, especially our loved ones.
And I gotta admit, I was somewhat surprised to find out, for myself, that I'm most likely to wonder off when I feel it's time. Like a dog.
You neither need nor want nothing and no one. When you die, you die alone. Always.

I think I wondered off into my own steppes.

I'm sorry that I only proved myself to be a lonesome wolf.
I'm afraid I might be selfish.

I run, because I can't be weak.
I'm Hesse's Steppenwolf.

Forgive me.

But you should know that I love you.
I keep seeing you in my drugged, murky dreams....